Questions

Lately, I have been carrying so many questions in my heart.
Questions that keep me awake at night - those that have no easy answers.
Why is it so hard to be alone?
Why do we sometimes feel lonely even when there are people all around us?
Why are there days when happiness feels so far away?
Sometimes I wonder why we become sad.
Is it because of the things we regret?
The chances we never took?
The dreams we still carry in our hearts but secretly fear may never happen?
The older I get, the more questions I seem to have.
And the fewer answers I find.
For more than twenty years, I have lived away from home.
I have said countless goodbyes here and there.
I have walked away from people I love, carrying a smile on my face while my heart quietly broke inside.
People say you get used to it.
But I don't think you ever do.
You simply learn how to live with the ache.
The hardest part has always been being away from my daughters.
I missed school programs.
I missed ordinary afternoons.
I missed the little moments that probably meant nothing at the time but would later become memories.
And sometimes I wonder...
Do they understand?
Do they know how badly I wanted to be there?
Do they know that if I had another choice, I would have chosen them every single time?
When we talk, they tell me about their lives.
Their classes.
Their friends.
Their plans.
And I smile because I am happy they are growing into strong young women.
But after the call ends, the questions return.
Do they miss me as much as I miss them?
Do they ever cry because I am not there?
Do they ever wish I was sitting beside them during the important moments of their lives?
Or are they simply stronger than I am?
Maybe that is one of the hardest parts of being a mother.
You spend your whole life loving your children, yet there are some pains you cannot protect them from.
And some pains you cannot protect yourself from either.
Sometimes I wonder if this feeling will ever go away.
Maybe this is what love looks like when distance becomes part of your story.
A piece of your heart is always somewhere else.
Always longing.
Always waiting.
Always missing someone.
There are days when I feel strong.
Days when I convince myself that all of this sacrifice will be worth it.
But there are also days when I sit quietly and cry.
Because I am weak, because I miss them, because I miss my family and because sometimes carrying everything alone feels heavier than usual.
And then there are the questions about life itself.
Did I make the right decisions?
Did I spend too much time working and not enough time living?
How much longer can I keep doing this?
When will enough finally be enough?
I honestly don't know.
And maybe that is what scares me the most.
Not the sacrifices or the distance, but not knowing when the finish line will come.
The truth is, I am not only a mother.
I am also a daughter.
And there are days when I miss my parents so much.
Days when I wish I could go home and be someone's child again.
Days when I wish someone would hug me and tell me that everything will be okay.
Days when I am tired of being the strong one.
Because even the strong ones get tired.
Even the strong ones cry.
Even the strong ones need someone to lean on.
As I write this today, I still don't have answers to most of my questions.
I don't know how much longer I should keep holding on.
I don't know when all these sacrifices will finally make sense.
I don't know when I will stop missing the people I love.
Maybe never.
But perhaps not all questions are meant to be answered right away.
Maybe some questions are simply reminders.
Reminders of what matters, of who we love, and maybe even reminders of the dreams we are still fighting for.
So for now, I will just carry these questions with me. I will keep moving forward because I have no other choice.
One day at a time, one prayer at a time. Still, I will keep holding on to the hope that someday, all this distance, all this longing, and all these sacrifices will lead me exactly where I am meant to be.
And when that day comes, maybe I will finally understand why I had to go through all of this.