UNTIL THE STORM PASSES

​Most of the time, I keep quiet about what’s going on inside me. It’s not that I don’t trust people, or that I don’t know they care. It’s just that I’ve learned to deal with my feelings alone. I convince myself that telling someone won’t change what I feel. So, even on days when it feels like I’m falling apart, I don’t reach out. I tell myself I’ll be okay.

I know there are people who would help me, who would hold my hand through the hardest moments if I let them. But I don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want them to see the parts of me that feel shattered, the parts that are tired of fighting. So, instead, I pull away. I disappear when I’m hurting. I isolate myself, close my doors, and wait for the storm to pass. I cry in the quiet of my room where no one can see or hear me.

There was a time I did this during one of the hardest moments in my life. I remember the day I lost my father, and I shut the world out completely. The grief was too much, and even though my family and friends reached out, I couldn’t bring myself to share that pain. I just sat there in silence, tears streaming down, trying to make sense of the loss alone. I think about that time often because it taught me just how much I prefer handling things on my own, even when I’m surrounded by love.

I’ve always been this way. Even when I’m sad or overwhelmed, I push through it quietly. I don’t like people seeing me at my weakest, so I comfort myself. I tell myself to be strong, to keep going. And somehow, I do. But I still appreciate the people who remind me that they’re there for me. The ones who don’t pry but just gently let me know they’re around, waiting if I ever need them.

What breaks my heart sometimes is when I pull away, not just from my own pain, but from the people who need me too. I’ve missed moments when I should have been there for others because I was too tired, too drained by my own battles. I know it hurts them, but they still try to understand. They give me space. They respect the fact that sometimes, I need to close my doors to the world. And for that, I’m grateful. They wait for me, never pushing, always knowing that when I’m ready, I’ll come back.

There are feelings that are so hard to put into words. I don’t think I could ever truly explain the depth of the sadness I sometimes feel. So, I hide it. I retreat into the safety of my room, behind a closed door, where it’s just me and my thoughts. There, in the silence, I don’t have to pretend that I’m okay. I don’t have to explain why I feel the way I do. I just let myself be, and eventually, I heal.

It’s a lonely way to go through life sometimes, but it’s how I’ve learned to survive. And though I choose to disappear when things get tough, I never forget the ones who are always there, quietly waiting for me to return. Their presence, even from a distance, gives me the strength to keep going.